What Matters Is What I Did With That Space
"The space between is the hardest space I've encountered. But it's come to be the space I respect the most."
There was a moment
Right before I "lost everything."
I sat on the beach listening to live music with my fiance in the night after our self-done engagement shoot.
It was dark
The music was distant
The sand was cool
The air was warm but breezy
I had it all.... job... car... friends... love... future...
And it's what I believed deep in my heart that I wanted.
But that night something was screaming in me.
And as I felt myself fall to the ground, I held the what felt like sand of the entire beach in my hands.
I begged for truth.
I felt tears slip.
And then the sand slipped too.
I grasped.
But it fell regardless.
Be careful what you wish for.
All false desires fell like a brick through a wet paper towel soon after.
They fell hard and fast.
And I was left with nothing.
At first it broke me.
But that space that was made because the false fell, the illusion of having it all became violently clear.
None of it matters now.
What matters is what I did with that space.
How I let myself swim in it for JUST long enough.
How I refused to die in it.
How I filled it.
How I made a home in the empty.
The space between is the hardest space I've encountered.
But it's come to be the space I respect the most.
Because I know.
I know without it there are countless versions of reality I could be playing out and not a single one was meant for me.
I'd keep losing and losing and losing until all that was left to lose was me.
So instead I sank, I swam, I loved, I even hated for a short time.
I might have let go of, or had everything I thought i wanted taken....
But I never gave up that space.
I stopped waiting for life to be ripped from me and I started emptying and filling MY space AS I PLEASE.
So whatever is filling, leaving, or dancing around your space today, I hope it's what you truly deserve and desire.
If not, rip the bandaid or the Universe/God/Gods will do it for you.